WLP
04-26-2007, 12:06 AM
Story By Tara Bui Photos By Tara Bui and Benjamin Vu
Traditions and obligations.
As Asians, especially Vietnamese Americans, we face expectations that the young need to pay attention to those who are older — that sons and daughters must help their parents for all the help they gave to their kids growing up.
It isn’t uncommon for children to shower their moms and dads with material gifts. How much do they spend in time and money? Nguoi Viet 2 asked a selection of people about what some call their adult “debt” to the folks who raised them.
“Actually, I am lucky that my parents are taking care of themselves. My dad was a teacher. He and my mom have life insurance, so if they pass away my siblings and I are not under any financial obligations.
“I bring my kids to visit them every so often. I actually have it in my Blackberry to see them every two weeks. It gives them a lot of joy to see their grandkids. Once in awhile, I’ll buy them a flat screen (TV) or get their cars fixed.
“I am obligated to respect them. That’s what I will teach my children. I will teach them only the very best of our culture.
— Nathan Le, 32, University of California, Irvine student from Mission Viejo, Calif.
“I believe children should at least contribute something to support their parents in old age. Children do not necessarily have to pay for everything. If parents could not take care of their own needs, then contribution of money is a must for the adult children to the extent that they can. To me, it’s a return of services, since parents take care of the children when they are growing up. Parents have the responsibility to raise children since they are the ones who brought them to life. I feel that I want to contribute money to my parents as they get older and I have money to spend.”
“However, if the parents were neglectful and did not take care of the children, then I think no contribution needs to be made, unless the adult children want to.”
— Lily Hoàng, 28, Ph.D. candidate in psychology from Santa Ana, Calif.
“The expectation on the parents’ part that their kids take care of them and pay bills, etc., has a beautiful circularity to it. But how soon that happens within families has changed and will continue to change until maybe Vietnamese parents will have to harvest their own. Practically speaking, the philosophy is fine on parchment but can be unreasonable and even counterproductive in practice.
“Personally, I cannot take care of my parents that way, at least not right now. And they’re divorced by the way, so I’d have to pay twice the number of bills so to speak. I’ve thought long and hard about my responsibility to them, taking into consideration how as boat people, they came here for a better life, so I feel the pressure of getting my act together. The pressures are doubly applied; I put pressure on myself also because I’m the eldest between the four of us children.
“My parents have not come out and said that they want me or my siblings to support them in old age. But over this last year, my mom indicated she’s worried about retirement and about who’s going to oversee her beauty salon business. My dad has mentioned he wants someone to take care of him too. And he makes it obvious when he pushes job listings onto us when my siblings and I are pretty content with what we’re doing and where we’re going in life.”
— Thu-Trang Trần, 25, director of research at Signature Properties from Fountain Valley, Calif.
“Personally, I think the children should be helping out the parents because of the numerous years that they spent raising the children. I know that my parents just want me to be able to survive in the world, but I believe that I still owe them. I believe that we should all still keep traditions, and a child taking care of his parents fits with part of it.
“Before my grandmother passed away, all my aunts and uncles were taking care of her without complaining about anything. I want to be able to take care of my own parents if they ever need it. I pay the occasional grocery bills, but other than that I can’t afford to do much without a job.
“My sister is 25, and buys small things if my parents ever ask for it. My mom might ask her to buy picture frames, shelves, or other accessories for the house.”
- Phillip Trương, 24, Orange Coast College student from Fountain Valley, Calif.
“On an ethical level, it would be proper for one to take care of the people who raised you. Traditionally that would mean that the elderly parents would live with one of the children, or moving around between the children. However, in modern times it is impractical to tend to the elders and maintain a career.
“I’m the oldest sibling in America; however the expectation is that while I might have to finance my parents in the future, it’s my younger sister who will be the one to take care of them. In my family it is the eldest daughter’s family who has to take on the burden of taking care of the parents.”
— Andrew Trần, 23, Mercury Insurance salesman from Garden Grove, Calif.
“The willingness and ability to take care of one’s parents is a personal issue. In my Vietnamese second-generation opinion, if an individual or couple is financially able to do that, I feel that they should take responsibility to take care of their parents. This doesn’t mean having the parent live with them. I think that living close to one’s elderly parents and visiting them daily is the least one can do. But I do believe that when parents are old and frail, that one should make the most effort to have their parent live with them.
“If parents make more money than their kids, I think that most parents would know this and would not want to burden their children who are struggling financially. In fact, I think the parents would offer money to their children.
“I guess that in a dire situation when both parents and children are not financially stable, that this tradition would not be ethical nor practical. Not only would it be more of a struggle on the child, there may be feelings of resentment.
“I do feel that parents who have been extremely unfair to their families do not deserve to receive anything from their children.”
— Catherine Đinh, 25, associate producer at Backbone Entertainment from Emeryville, Calif.
“Well, in a way, it’s like an obligation. I don’t really mind it. I think it encourages me to thrive even more. It applies for those who have parents who have given up everything for their kids.
“Now, I’ll call my mom to ask if she would like anything or to ask her permission before buying something. I’ll probably be taking more care of my mom because my dad is moving back to Việt Nam.
“My mom says that I need a better job because I am a college graduate. She says that she can still support me and my sister, and has never said that I have to take care of her though she may imply it. In a way, there’s a real guilt factor. If I don’t, I would still be a bad daughter, and I would feel guilty.”
— Cathy Nguyễn, 23, administrative assistant at Beimar, Inc., from Ontario, Calif.
Traditions and obligations.
As Asians, especially Vietnamese Americans, we face expectations that the young need to pay attention to those who are older — that sons and daughters must help their parents for all the help they gave to their kids growing up.
It isn’t uncommon for children to shower their moms and dads with material gifts. How much do they spend in time and money? Nguoi Viet 2 asked a selection of people about what some call their adult “debt” to the folks who raised them.
“Actually, I am lucky that my parents are taking care of themselves. My dad was a teacher. He and my mom have life insurance, so if they pass away my siblings and I are not under any financial obligations.
“I bring my kids to visit them every so often. I actually have it in my Blackberry to see them every two weeks. It gives them a lot of joy to see their grandkids. Once in awhile, I’ll buy them a flat screen (TV) or get their cars fixed.
“I am obligated to respect them. That’s what I will teach my children. I will teach them only the very best of our culture.
— Nathan Le, 32, University of California, Irvine student from Mission Viejo, Calif.
“I believe children should at least contribute something to support their parents in old age. Children do not necessarily have to pay for everything. If parents could not take care of their own needs, then contribution of money is a must for the adult children to the extent that they can. To me, it’s a return of services, since parents take care of the children when they are growing up. Parents have the responsibility to raise children since they are the ones who brought them to life. I feel that I want to contribute money to my parents as they get older and I have money to spend.”
“However, if the parents were neglectful and did not take care of the children, then I think no contribution needs to be made, unless the adult children want to.”
— Lily Hoàng, 28, Ph.D. candidate in psychology from Santa Ana, Calif.
“The expectation on the parents’ part that their kids take care of them and pay bills, etc., has a beautiful circularity to it. But how soon that happens within families has changed and will continue to change until maybe Vietnamese parents will have to harvest their own. Practically speaking, the philosophy is fine on parchment but can be unreasonable and even counterproductive in practice.
“Personally, I cannot take care of my parents that way, at least not right now. And they’re divorced by the way, so I’d have to pay twice the number of bills so to speak. I’ve thought long and hard about my responsibility to them, taking into consideration how as boat people, they came here for a better life, so I feel the pressure of getting my act together. The pressures are doubly applied; I put pressure on myself also because I’m the eldest between the four of us children.
“My parents have not come out and said that they want me or my siblings to support them in old age. But over this last year, my mom indicated she’s worried about retirement and about who’s going to oversee her beauty salon business. My dad has mentioned he wants someone to take care of him too. And he makes it obvious when he pushes job listings onto us when my siblings and I are pretty content with what we’re doing and where we’re going in life.”
— Thu-Trang Trần, 25, director of research at Signature Properties from Fountain Valley, Calif.
“Personally, I think the children should be helping out the parents because of the numerous years that they spent raising the children. I know that my parents just want me to be able to survive in the world, but I believe that I still owe them. I believe that we should all still keep traditions, and a child taking care of his parents fits with part of it.
“Before my grandmother passed away, all my aunts and uncles were taking care of her without complaining about anything. I want to be able to take care of my own parents if they ever need it. I pay the occasional grocery bills, but other than that I can’t afford to do much without a job.
“My sister is 25, and buys small things if my parents ever ask for it. My mom might ask her to buy picture frames, shelves, or other accessories for the house.”
- Phillip Trương, 24, Orange Coast College student from Fountain Valley, Calif.
“On an ethical level, it would be proper for one to take care of the people who raised you. Traditionally that would mean that the elderly parents would live with one of the children, or moving around between the children. However, in modern times it is impractical to tend to the elders and maintain a career.
“I’m the oldest sibling in America; however the expectation is that while I might have to finance my parents in the future, it’s my younger sister who will be the one to take care of them. In my family it is the eldest daughter’s family who has to take on the burden of taking care of the parents.”
— Andrew Trần, 23, Mercury Insurance salesman from Garden Grove, Calif.
“The willingness and ability to take care of one’s parents is a personal issue. In my Vietnamese second-generation opinion, if an individual or couple is financially able to do that, I feel that they should take responsibility to take care of their parents. This doesn’t mean having the parent live with them. I think that living close to one’s elderly parents and visiting them daily is the least one can do. But I do believe that when parents are old and frail, that one should make the most effort to have their parent live with them.
“If parents make more money than their kids, I think that most parents would know this and would not want to burden their children who are struggling financially. In fact, I think the parents would offer money to their children.
“I guess that in a dire situation when both parents and children are not financially stable, that this tradition would not be ethical nor practical. Not only would it be more of a struggle on the child, there may be feelings of resentment.
“I do feel that parents who have been extremely unfair to their families do not deserve to receive anything from their children.”
— Catherine Đinh, 25, associate producer at Backbone Entertainment from Emeryville, Calif.
“Well, in a way, it’s like an obligation. I don’t really mind it. I think it encourages me to thrive even more. It applies for those who have parents who have given up everything for their kids.
“Now, I’ll call my mom to ask if she would like anything or to ask her permission before buying something. I’ll probably be taking more care of my mom because my dad is moving back to Việt Nam.
“My mom says that I need a better job because I am a college graduate. She says that she can still support me and my sister, and has never said that I have to take care of her though she may imply it. In a way, there’s a real guilt factor. If I don’t, I would still be a bad daughter, and I would feel guilty.”
— Cathy Nguyễn, 23, administrative assistant at Beimar, Inc., from Ontario, Calif.